For many people, sex and pornography are very sensitive subjects. Sex is a very private subject in general for many people.
In today’s culture porn is free everywhere and even commercialized and joked about on TV shows and family comedies as if it’s cute or funny.
Pornography is a very secretive topic for many, especially those who hide it from their spouse or partner either out of shame or knowing their partner would be hurt or leave the relationship if found out. Pornography can ruin marriages and intimate trusting relationships, and it can break up families. Pornography can cause depression in both the viewer and the person that finds out their spouse has been using porn.
Women married to men with a pornography addiction report feelings of deep betrayal, mistrust that can never be regained, anger and severe self worth issues once the addiction is discovered. Pornographic use can lead to infidelity and even divorce.
Extensive research has been done on the effects of pornography on a person emotionally and physically. It has been discovered that many people’s first exposure to pornography was very young at 4 or 5 years old. In years past, many children discovered pornography through finding their dad’s magazine collection.
One of my daughters first exposure to sex was when she discovered a porn magazine at a neighbors house when she was very young (about 6 or 7 years old). She was traumatized and crying and had a difficult time talking about it. She was frightened and disgusted with the images she saw. She asked if the images she saw was what sex was. When she described what she saw, I explained to her what healthy sex was between consenting partners. I purchased the book “Where Did I Come From” and we read the book together. She asked a few very open questions and was satisfied with our conversation. This led to an open communication between my daughter and I for future difficult conversations.
One Professional Opinion
A few years ago, I had an opportunity to talk with a psychologist who specialized in family counseling and they revealed to me that in over 20 years in practice had they ever found a situation where pornography benefited a marriage positively and in most cases even with therapy, when the pornography addiction was discovered, the marriage ended in divorce.
How Can Pornography Affect Women Who Discover Their Husband Using Porn?
Can the use of pornography cause PTSD symptoms?
I know someone very close to me who discovered her husbands pornography use after returning home unexpectedly one day. She wondered why their sex life had been virtually extinct more than ever before. He never seemed very physically affectionate or interested in her sexually which made her feel unwanted and incomplete as a woman in her marriage. She recalled they had only been intimate maybe twice in the past year or so, one of those times had been that very morning. She came home from an appointment and walked in on him watching pornography. The horror she felt struck her powerfully and unexpectedly. She began to shake and cry and could not speak. She felt her legs weaken beneath her and felt as if time stood still. Admitting that is was one of the most severe traumas she ever experienced, she recounted it as if it were yesterday, how she felt such betrayal as if she just walked in on him having an extra marital affair right before her eyes with multiple women all at once. Since sexual intimacy was infrequent between them (although much desired more frequently) she immediately felt that she was not good enough as a woman, and that he was now using the porn to wash the memory of their love making that morning out of his mind, as if porn had something better to offer. She recounted that her husband had begun calling it “fucking” instead of making Love which was so cold and disconnected. In her mind each time they made Love it was as if their souls were merging on a physical level. It was something beautiful and sacred and his words and actions made it feel dirty and cold.
As the days and weeks and months went by, she began to silently question her identity, her marriage, her sexuality, her womanhood and femininity. She felt disgusting in her own skin. She felt worthless. She began questioning everything including the trust she had in her husband and their marriage. What else had he been hiding from her? What else had he lied about? She wondered what other secrets there might be. She noticed that he had begun commenting on her body image negatively and openly. She made many different attempts to heal the intimacy and connection between them however, when she initiated intimacy he seemed annoyed with her affection. She noticed he would stay up late watching TV and make excuses that he was too tired to be intimate with her. She noticed the way specific other women acted around him and how he acted around them in a way she never noticed before. She recalled times when she questioned his fidelity to her due to the behavior between him and certain other women they had known in the past but brushed it off in hopes it was simply her imagination. She quickly fell into a deep dark depression crying every day alone where no one else could see her and trying to put on a happy face for others to see. She found it difficult to just get out of bed and function normally. She said she felt completely alone and embarrassed that this had happened. She felt inadequate and completely undesirable as a woman. She felt she was no competition for the porn he watched. She discovered that there were support groups for this but was too embarrassed to ask for help anyway. She thought there was something wrong with her. She didn’t realize other women felt the same way when they discovered their husband or boyfriend had been secretly using pornography. It took her years to recover on her own through self healing to discover her own self worth and discover self love and in turn made a conscious choice to do everything in her power to heal the relationship with her husband. She revealed at some point she decided this would not break her, she was worth more and that after researching the affects that porn normally has on a marriage, she made a decision that she would not be a statistic, and that she would make every attempt to heal herself and her marriage. Even though it was difficult to talk about, she openly admitted to her husband it was still a deal breaker for her as it always had been which he knew from the beginning. She chose to make every attempt to rebuild herself and work on rebuilding her marriage to something better than it ever was before despite the odds.
She spent the better part of 5-6 years with in-depth self healing and realized her own self worth and discovered a self love that she did not know was possible. She opened her eyes to other relationship issues that she had once been avoiding or trying to heal on her own without the support of her husband to fully heal the relationship. Not only did she realize negative behavior which included severe verbal abuse at times to both herself and children, but she also recognized the trust could not be restored since he knowingly and selfishly broke the vow he had made to her and had broken her trust in many other ways knowing full well it was one of only very a few deal breakers in their marriage, and so she chose to leave the relationship in a much more empowered and healthy manner.
What happens when you watch pornography?
It has been discovered that pornography hijacks the pleasure center of your brain and in turn the more you watch, the more difficult it is to quit. It is a quick addiction that takes over your life. When you watch porn, it floods your neuro-network with dopamine. And, the more you watch, the more difficult it is to find joy and pleasure in other activities outside of pornography. It is more difficult to find pleasure in “normal” sex within a monogamous relationship. In turn, this can create less intimacy or sex with your partner as you opt for pornography in order to satisfy you instead of intimacy between you and your partner. Porn provides quick satisfaction vs. taking the time to be with another person and connect spiritually, physically and emotionally.
Another Testimonial of the Affects of Pornography on a Relationship
I can remember years ago, I knew a young girl, barely 20 years old, who’s boyfriend began using pornography, and she would come in to work and confide in me about the things he asked her to do. He was her first sexual partner. She shared that he could not have normal sex any more, and that he could not climax without the use of pornography or some sort of rough sex with her or strange situation or scenario. At times he would request her to do something dangerous or harmful in order to have sex and in order for him to be aroused and climax during sex with her present.
How Pornography Portrays Sex
In many cases it has been found that pornography depicts sex as mainly one sided in the man’s favor. Usually it is rough or forceful in some way. The woman is usually in a subservient position physically or emotionally. And, it depicts that a man being rough during sex is pleasurable to women. In many cases the woman is shown moaning in pleasure or just laying there as the man is being pleasured or having rough sex with her. It shows that men basically have to do nothing to pleasure a woman other than to show up. Just the sight of him is erotic and arousing and practically brings her to orgasm, which for most women is not normally the case.
Pornography does nothing to show the deep soul connection and intimacy between people spiritually, emotionally or physically. It is robotic and un-emotional and simply unrealistic. This is in many cases children’s first exposure to what sex is. And, in most cases is frightening. And, they begin to imagine their parents this way or other adults they know. I can only imagine them worrying about growing up and having to experience sex in such fear. It is horrible.
With such free porn everywhere you turn, is it any wonder that many men don’t know how to pleasure a woman which begins with an emotional connection or spiritual connection? Is it any wonder that men get frustrated taking time for intimacy and upset if a woman does not climax within minutes of initiating sex? Is it any wonder that women feel inferior or worthless in the bedroom and outside the bedroom with the expectancy to perform like porn stars? Is it any wonder many women don’t even expect sex to be pleasurable because they have mates that just assume their presence causes them to orgasm repeatedly? Is it any wonder many women go through life without orgasm because they don’t know any better or wonder what is wrong with them because they don’t enjoy sex like a porn star or perform like a porn star on the screen? I have a feeling there are many women who would like to be sensual or erotic with their partner or husband however feel there is no sense in trying. Either they feel unworthy due to the competition of what porn exhibits as normal that their spouse already has been exposed to and expects, or they feel unworthy and ashamed in their body since women in porn don’t have stretch marks or weight gain due to pregnancy but instead portray body perfection and kitten like playfulness and sexiness and a willingness to please at any cost including pain. Or they feel shame in desiring connection and intimacy with their partner out of fear of rejection or that they will be perceived as shameful or similar to the image of women in porn. Desiring intimacy and connection with your partner is normal and nothing to be ashamed about. It is the physical extension of the spiritual and emotional connection between two souls and is sacred and has been exploited, sensationalized and made dirty.
How are we as a society suppose to have healthy, enjoyable sexual intimacy or healthy sexual relationships with our partner when this is our introduction to sex as the norm? And there is no real intimacy of any kind and becomes an addiction and a complete misunderstanding of healthy sex before real human sexual contact ever happens?
No wonder sex is taboo or disgusting to many. Sex in a committed relationship should be something beautiful and meaningful with emotional, spiritual and physical connection and trust. Sex should be pleasurable for both men and women. Sex should be consensual. Sex should not be embarrassing or scary. Sex between lovers should be emotionally meaningful, sensual and erotic and bring you closer together. Sex should not hurt anyone emotionally or physically nor feel dirty or shameful.
Quantum Physics and the Brain/Body Connection
From a quantum physics standpoint it has been proven that the body and brain don’t know the difference from what is imagined or actually physically experienced, in this case using porn as a form of infidelity. Chemicals in the body mimic the actual experience of the imagined whatever it is that is being imagined. Glands and muscles in the body react as if the experience is real even though it is imagined. The body fires and wires just as if the act is really happening as it is imagined. The brain is quickly programmed to this new reality (neuroplasticity) and begins drawing the experience into one’s life (Law of Attraction/Law of Creation) in many cases through the act of infidelity.
It has been proven that in many cases the person using porn begins to harshly judge their partner verbally as they don’t live up to the ideals of the image of the actors in the porn videos unrealistic body types, shapes and sizes. This includes critiquing their partners body (body shaming) for being less than perfect or shaming them for not performing a certain way during intimacy. They may make snide comments about how their partner looks or behaves when they once appreciated them in the past.
I appreciate this TEDx video about porn and it’s effects:
Blessings of Optimal Health & Peace,
Yvette, Comprehensive Remote Energy Medicine Practitioner, Self Love Coach
Yvette lives boldly from her Heart allowing Source Energy to guide her toward living her best life inJoy. She shares information as a coach about law of attraction and spiritual consciousness, and leads by example as a positive energy & authentic living guide and is certified in multiple energy healing methods and is also a creative artist. Yvette has not only used these tools to profoundly self heal many areas of her life, but has also worked with others in discovering self love through reconnection with Source Energy, increased appreciation and more inner peace and live more authentically and empowered to experience their best life.
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