How does porn affect a monogamous relationship or marriage?
Is there a way to heal yourself and your relationship?
What a woman experiences when she finds out her husband uses porn with masturbation.
Will there ever be trust again?
- WARNING: This post may be too explicit for some as it discusses porn and the harmful effects of pornography, and is recommended for those over the age of 21.
These are a few important questions when finding out porn has invaded your marriage or monogamous relationship. Porn is a sensitive subject for some, and it can cause the breakup of an otherwise happy relationship or marriage, once it’s discovered.
In today’s society, porn has become something to laugh about with sitcoms on tv regularly mentioning or glorifying the use of porn in many cases with a married man using it and his wife standing by shaking her head with a grin like he is a naughty little boy, and everyone laughing as if there is no dark side of pornography – in a marriage especially, but also for young men who learn from porn and have their first experience with porn ad it can be detrimental to their future relationships.
In my research and talking with a psychologist who did marriage counseling for 20 years, I was told that not once, did he find that pornography was helpful in any way to a marriage, and in most cases was detrimental to the relationship.
Research on the effects of pornography not only on the person viewing it, but on a relationship or marriage can be like cancer. It just eats away and erodes the relationship & trust until there is nothing left.
Here are a few things I have found in my research about the negative effects of porn on a committed monogamous relationship or marriage:
- Porn changes your brain and takes you out of reality (It’s a LIE) – It makes you want more and more and from what I found, many times simple porn becomes monotonous and then it turns into porn involving rape or other less positive scenarios and in some cases, the person watching gets more aggressive in real life sex. Porn warps your sense of reality of sex and making love. It cuts you off from the outside world and you live in a fantasy world where all women enjoy being dominated and easily orgasm repeatedly because the man breathed on her (I know – a little exaggerated, kind of…). In pornography, women have orgasm after orgasm the instant the man touches her without the man having to actually do anything or show any kind of emotion or real intimacy or connection. I many cases, the woman is bent over or on her knees in submission while the man just takes her as he pleases without any sort of mutual affection of any kind.
- Addiction – Most people who begin using porn become addicted. Studies show that actual brain function changes in someone who has an addiction – And, an addiction of any sort, is still an addiction, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, sex, masturbating, smoking, food, fanatical healthy eating or exercise, or even biting your nails. Addictions are unhealthy. Addictions take over your life, your family and you are controlled by it, and you are always searching for your next “fix” to get high on.
- Broken Trust – In most cases, the partner has no idea the other person is using porn and masturbating. In many cases, the spouse (in most cases the wife or girlfriend) can sense something is wrong, the partner is distant, doesn’t communicate like he used to, is easily agitated, and does not seem interested in sex any more and won’t talk when approached and becomes defensive and blaming and may even use the excuse that sex isn’t all that important. They are getting sexual needs met using porn and masturbation instead of actually having a real sexual relationship with intimacy with their partner. Many women feel such a profound sense of betrayal. It does not matter that it is just an image. She is now in your partners (husbands’) brain & memory. He has had sex with her in his mind while masturbating to her image. You now have to “compete” for your man’s attention, devotion, love, fidelity, desire, sex, and more. Once the partner finds out about the porn use, this leads to feeling of deception, loneliness, betrayal, unworthiness, unloved and complete loss of trust as if the other person had actually had an extra-marital affair. They feel they are not enough for their spouse any more. They feel somehow “less”. Some women feel so horrible and disregarded, betrayed and cheated on that they fall into deep depression and have difficulty forgiving and ever trusting again. And, in some cases, they are so depressed they wonder why they are alive. And, many people believe that this is just another form of an extra-marital affair. In many cases, research shows that a high percentage of men who begin with porn, end up having extra-marital affairs as well. The porn is just not enough any more and they want the real thing, another woman, prostitute or fling other than their partner. Without help, these feelings can go on for years & even the rest of your life, and completely erode a marriage and any future relationships. Even if the husband promises to never use porn again (in many cases they hide it even better), and the wife is always on guard, looking for clues, searching, investigating and mis-trusting.
- It’s cheating & deception – Let’s get real for just a moment, in many cases, the person using porn is hiding it from the other partner (most times the female partner). If you actually felt good about what you were doing (I’m not just talking physically), and thought your partner wouldn’t feel like you were cheating, and didn’t think your spouse or partner would be upset or want you to stop, you wouldn’t go to such great lengths of hiding it from your partner, erasing internet history, wiping your hard drive, having hidden phone apps that look like calculators and other “real” apps to hide porn usage. If you thought your partner would be perfectly fine about your porn usage, you would not do it while they were asleep or away from the house. You would not hide secret files on your computer or have passwords on your phone. If you really thought your partner would be OK with it, you would do it openly and freely. And, there really is not much difference in fantasizing about having sex with another person while you masturbate and actually doing it. According to scientific studies & quantum physics studies on the body & brain connection, your body does not know the difference between a thought or fantasy and reality. Your body and muscles, all fire and wire the same way if you imagine running a race as actually getting up off the couch and running the race. Studies have proven that you can imagine exercising over a period of time and the structure of muscles actually changes. Most (all) marriage vows do not state “I agree to be kind-of faithful, until I am bored with you, and then I will use porn and masturbate and pretend I am with another person (cheating) and stop having sex with you”.
- Boredom – So, you’re bored with your sex life. In some studies the reason men gave for watching porn was boredom with their partner sexually. There is actually a cure for that – it involves work, though. Having a meaningful open, and trusting conversation with your partner and looking for ways to spice up your sex life and have more playfulness together can lead to a lot of fun! Most people are not willing to actually put in the “work”, take the time, or put themselves on the line asking for more in their relationship in any area, especially sex. In my research, it seems that many women would be excited if their partner wanted something different, something more playful, even role playing, dress up, costumes or whatever. There is no reason to be bored unless you are just unwilling or have a sexual abuse situation. I can pretty much guarantee it is worth it and it keeps the trust in your relationship. Once the porn is found out, the trust is immediately broken as if an actual physical sexual affair. Many marriages do not survive without help and healing and rebuilding real trust.
- Laziness & Selfishness – How long does it take to watch some porn and masturbate? Only a few minutes? Porn teaches instant pleasure only for you. What your partner wants or needs does not matter. This can manifest in other areas in a relationship where the person becomes annoyed if they have to wait for anything. Porn teaches you deserve pleasure when you want it, no matter what anyone else wants or needs. How long does it take to tantalize your partner, maybe wine and dine your partner, or even just make a few playful sexual advances in an attempt to initiate and suggest sex now or later on? And, then, there is the actual sex, it could take a few minutes or more for your partner to get warmed up and take her thoughts off her job, the children, household duties or whatever else makes her feel very un-sexy all day. In many cases, you may not want to take the time to actually “make love” or have sex, it just takes too much of your time. What a way to tell the person you love that they are not worth your time – “sorry dear, masturbating to porn only takes a few minutes and I don’t have to work at it, and having sex together with you just take too much of my precious time”. What a woman hears is “you are not worth it”. Period.
- Disconnection – Porn teaches you to be disconnected with other real humans and reality which in many cases, bleeds over into real life. It can create an issue where there is difficulty bonding with real people. Studies have shown that a lot of men don’t feel they could really “get” a woman if they tried, so they don’t even try. They just continue with the porn/masturbation cycle and don’t even try to “get the girl” for real.In a loving & committed relationship, physical intimacy with another person brings a deep sense of connection – which is completely absent in porn & masturbation. Sex or making love is the most physically intimate, physical & emotional connecting, open & trusting thing you can offer to another person. Porn teaches selfishness especially from a man’s perspective due to the way porn portrays sex in many cases.
- Women orgasm instantly and I don’t need to do anything – If you are a young person and your first sexual experience is with porn (or not), you probably think that all women will just orgasm if you look at them the right way, like they do in porn. In porn many scenarios idealize the female submission role with the man in charge and the woman at his whim and for his pleasure. In real life, sex or making love, involves 2 people engaged in enjoying each other, together, unselfishly & selfishly. The joy of each other’s body raises excitement and pleasure, together. Not only do you feel good, you feel good bringing pleasure to your partner, too. Studies show that most women need to be warmed up. Women heat up like a slow burner in many cases – in some cases quicker depending on the circumstances and the person. They don’t turn on and off like a light switch. In porn, you are taught to be selfish and the woman is there mostly for the man’s pleasure purpose. This can make a person blame the partner as if something is wrong because they don’t orgasm like the porn stars. Porn doesn’t have any foreplay and get’s right into the actual act of sex – I know, that’s what it’s suppose to be, right?. Man penetrates woman and voila’ instant eroticism and repeated orgasms from the woman. And, once the man is finished, the woman is just glistening with joy and appears to want more as if she can’t get enough of his manhood. This is in most if not all cases, complete fantasy. This teaches men they don’t actually have to do anything to warm up or turn on a woman before, or during sex. It teaches there is no emotional connection or real caring involved in sex, ever. And, nothing about how to connect after sex or making love either. There is no “intimacy” in porn. It is disconnected & selfish.
- Dissatisfaction & criticism of your current mate – Porn changes what you might have once thought of as attractive in the opposite sex – in most cases the woman. Many studies show that when men use porn (video or photos) they begin to find dissatisfaction in their current partner (spouse, mate) who has birthed their children, who has not had plastic surgery to keep them in “perfect” shape, who is “softer” than they used to be and does not look like they are 18 years old. And in many cases, begin to criticize and find fault in them physically when they once did not – at least not enough that it bothered them and certainly would not say anything to them. They may have been attracted to the curve of their partners tummy, soft behind, soft breasts, etc. Porn is air brushed and makeup and fake. And, in many cases, have had some form of plastic surgery, especially breasts. So, men stop appreciating women (their partner) for their “real” body, their body that in many cases brought children into the world with them. They begin actually commenting on their partner’s body in unsatisfactory ways. And, they wonder why they don’t look like the women in their porn or at the strip clubs (we’ll talk about strip clubs later)
- You’re can’t get aroused by “just” your partner or spouse – Porn stimulates the arousal centers in the brain. And, When porn is accompanied by orgasm through masturbation, a chemical reaction happens and hormones are released. Our brains start to associate arousal with an image, an idea, or a video, rather than a person. Your partner is not the “trigger” for your arousal and sexual fulfillment – porn is. You’re mind and body only associate sexual gratification with pornography use.
- Porn teaches selfish sex not making love – “Billions of people have had sex, I don’t know how many have actually made love.” – Sheila Wray Gregoire, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Porn does not depict making love. Making love releases brain chemicals, endorphins & hormones that creates an intense chemical bond with your partner. When you use porn & masturbation, those chemicals are released while using an image instead of a real person. The brain then associates arousal with an image or idea of the person presenting the porn, instead of a real person.
- Many women in porn have been abused – I have ready studies that show that in many cases, the women that are in porn, have been sexually abused in some way. Need I say more.
- Prefers masturbation over “real” sex – In many cases men prefer masturbation to actually having sex or making love with their partner, spouse or wife. Porn allows a man to have immediate pleasure on his own terms and porn offers a higher level of sexual excitement & stimulation than married sex (it does not have to be this way). There are not family issues, emotional issues, arguments, rejections, foreplay, patience, and is always there, willing, ready, inviting and easy. No connections, no demand, no emotions, nothing ‘REAL’. Purely selfish. This is extremely hurtful to (in most cases the wife/girlfriend) the partner and can tear down a marriage quickly.
- Strip clubs are the same thing as porn = cheating & deception – A person is getting sexual gratification from another person in person and in many cases, being touched and caressed and stroked by the stripper in various ways with various body parts (even until the male reaches ejaculation). This is SEX! Sex does not only mean penetration. And, if it was not something to hide from a spouse or partner, there would not be special “underwear” advertised for men to wear to cover up ejaculation while getting a lap dance. These special undergarments are designed to help it feel more like real sex during a lap dance, but also leave no trace on underwear that there was an ejaculation for your spouse to find. So, as I write this, I think many strippers are prostitutes without having penis-vagina sex. They are using other parts of their body to have sex with the paying client – sex for money is Prostitution. And, for the man, this is most certainly an intent to deceive. Where is the trust in a relationship here?
I am sure there are many more harmful effects of pornography on a monogamous relationship or marriage. And, I am sure one can argue of benefits of porn in a marriage or monogamous relationship – personally, I will never agree with this stance. In my experience I have known some women who have had porn in their marriage which resulted in divorce due to the deep hurt, feelings of betrayal, being cheated on, deception, loneliness, unworthiness, unloved and complete loss of trust and feeling like they had to compete with another woman. And, other cases, it took any years to heal without help. And, in some cases, they never did heal, they just lived alone with the pain. many women do not talk about this, as it is too hurtful and embarrassing. What woman wants to admit their husband prefers porn over them? They feel that they are not good enough. No woman want’s to admit their husband desires another woman in such a way that can bring such hurt.
I remember one instance in which a woman told me of how her husband would watch porn and then turn to her for sex. He would just do what he wanted without any regard to her needs, desires or feelings. She felt so used. I will never forget the look on her face as she said, “he doesn’t even care about my needs”, and began to cry.
If you have been traumatized & hurt due to your spouse or monogamous partner using pornography and you need help healing the trauma & hurt, I invite you to schedule a session and begin your journey to personal transformation, healing & well being, or if you have any questions, I invite you to email me @ firstname.lastname@example.org or for more information please visit here:truehealingsource.com
– Yvette Marie is a Certified Energy healer, certified Thought Field Therapy practitioner, and Advanced Bio-energetic muscle testing practitioner using advanced energy and body scans through Quantum Techniques methods. Yvette has also been certified as a Reiki practitioner and Access Consciousness practitioner. She is not a licensed therapist. Energy healing is not intended as diagnosis, prescription, or treatment for any disease, physical or mental. It is also not intended as a substitute for regular medical care. –
– Hold Harmless – by using these methods, you agree to be 100% solely responsible for your health & wellness, the health of your family, and animals and hold you Yvette 100% free of responsibility or harm. Use of bio-energetic muscle testing has never been found to cause harm to anyone nor has any form of energy healing. –